For the Glory

​I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. 

​I thought I did. I mean, up until a few months ago I would have said with absolute certainty that I did. I had things together. Went to college, got a job, went to grad school, kept teaching and doing good things with that, worked on my writing, published more books… everything I anticipated when I said from the age of like 5 that I was going to be a teacher and an author. I thought I had it all figured out. I think I was wrong.

See the thing is that for months, things have looked like they were exactly what I had dreamed they would be, exactly how they should be. But it didn’t feel that way. At work, I was so weighed down by outside pressures and expectations that teaching felt more like a burden than a calling, even though I loved my time with my kids. As far as writing, it was barely happening, and when it was, it was short, calculated bursts because, you know, I’m in the middle of a series and I should probably get the next book out or whatever responsible authors do. I was held back by hesitation and doubts instead of driven forward by passion and purpose. I’m not gonna lie, it was a tough stretch, filled with lots of tears and LOTS of messy conversations with God.

It was in the middle of one of those messy conversations that I was hit in the face with inspiration for a new story. Of course, my first reaction was that I already had two writing projects that I was barely working on and one is for a series and this inspiration had nothing to do with anything that really made sense in terms of my writing stuff and I was pretty sure it wasn’t a project that anyone was looking for anyways. And that was when I was hit in the face a second time (metaphorically, although sometimes I’m shocked that God doesn’t do it literally). This time, it was with the very profound thought of, "Why do you care?"

Why did I care? Why was I concerned about the potential marketing failures before I even wrote a single word of a book? Why did I care that my books didn't currently have the audience I'd like them to, and why was that influencing my decisions about what to write? Why was it that, when I had just received the clearest leading to write a story that I have maybe ever gotten, I immediately started thinking about how it wasn't logical or wouldn't work? So I started writing the story. And wrote about 20k words in a couple of weeks (interesting).

And then a couple weeks later, the second wave hit (and I began to think that maybe I was having a quarter life crisis as my reward for just turning 25). Writing had been going really well with my new inspiration and the realization that I shouldn't be letting my own doubts, overthinking, or (let's be honest) laziness keep me from using a gift and calling that I have been blessed with. But teaching... not so much. Every day got a little more exhausting, a little more emotionally draining, and a little more devastatingly devoid of purpose and enjoyment. So I took some time to consult God. And while I didn't receive any definitive direction to take at that moment, I had some thoughts planted in my mind that turned my expectations for what I thought I was doing with my life upside-down.

Honestly, I am still at a loss for words for what exactly that felt like- some strange mix of hope, terror, excitement, shock, and something best illustrated by staring up at the sky and saying aloud, "You realize this is insane, right?" It was... an experience. It was one of the best adventures I've had in a while, and I didn't even have to leave my couch! But it did require me to confront the reality that I don't actually know what my life is meant to bring. And that maybe I need to reevaluate what I'm actually looking for in life. I know that life isn't meant to be easy, and I know that the purpose of life isn't to be happy. The command to serve the Lord is repeated over and over in the Bible. Romans 12:1 directs us to present ourselves as a living sacrifice to God. And 1 Corinthians 10:31 says, "whatever you do, do all to the glory of God." 

I don't know what I'm doing with my life. Still. There haven't been any messages scrawled across my walls, or beams of light from the heavens, or vivid hallucinations. And honestly, I have no idea how to make the decisions in front of me without God literally sending down an instruction manual. But I have realized that I don't need to know what I'm doing to know what I'm doing, you know? I don't have to have all the answers, or have my plans all ironed out, to know that in whatever I am doing, wherever I am, whatever my circumstances are, I am called to serve the Lord. I am called to share His truth, hope, and love, to shine the light that I have received through the blessing of His salvation. Life might be weird right now, but that purpose and mission doesn't change. So while I don't know what I'm doing, I can be grateful for my present blessings... and hopeful for whatever the future brings as I pursue the One who holds it.