The Gift of Writing

As I've been reflecting now that Cursed has been out for a few days, I've come to the conclusion that this book is a gift. Not in the very pretentious way of "this book is so fantastic that it is obviously a gift to all of you." (Although I do really love it and think you should read it) But in a very deeply personal way of this book being a gift to me when I needed this particular story and these special characters. 

My mother tells me often that she's pretty sure I'm crazy because I tell her that my characters have acted in a way that did not match my outline and have therefore derailed my entire plotline. I have to admit that I see where she's coming from. But as we had this conversation (many, many times) throughout the process of writing Cursed, I realized that there was a reason this book was straying so far from the original plan.
This was the first book that I truly, repeatedly prayed over and dedicated to God. And because of that, I believe He took this story and did whatever He wanted with it, and I couldn't be happier. Not only was it a delight to discover the story as I wrote it, but I had the privilege of learning from my own characters. Bonnie grew and blossomed into this fiery, determined, passionate, and endearingly stubborn force of nature as I wrote. And as I look back on it now, I think she may have passed at least a little of that on to her writer.
I don't have a history of being maybe a little too comfortable with confrontation, like my dear Bonnie. In fact, I have a history closer to a distinct avoidance of any conflict. It makes me nervous. I can't seem to get my thoughts out in the way I'd like to, I get self-conscious, I worry about the fallout. And usually, I cry (super intimidating, I know). And I won't say that now I share Bonnie's personality and ease of launching into an argument. I'd still like to avoid that if at all possible, and I don't think that's a bad thing.
But recently, there have been some things that have shifted around me and decisions being made that I don't agree with on a deep morals and philosophy kind of level. And, unfortunately, I felt strongly that the right decision was for me to address those things. Face to face. Honestly. Without crying. And as I geared up for that lovely experience (which I was not at all excited about), I told myself, like a complete nerd, to channel my inner Bonnie. I then immediately realized that she involves swords in her arguments, and this was a conversation in a professional setting, so maybe that was a terrible idea.
But I went into my little battle, and I spoke my mind, and I was honest and transparent and unwilling to have my voice not be heard. I didn't cry. And I stubbornly set myself in that seat until I felt that I was able to fully express every thought I had. At the end of the conversation, I left feeling so wonderful. Not because I had changed anything significant about the situation, but because I had done something that usually would have terrified me. And by the end of that discussion, I was not the slightest bit terrified.
It wasn't until my conversation with my mom that night (the very necessary mom-debrief of my difficulties) that I landed on my greatest discovery of the day. In the course of our debrief, I said to her, "I thought I needed to channel Bonnie, but I guess she had to come from somewhere." As Bonnie grew and took shape, many of those characteristics bloomed inside of me.
There's a lot of beautiful realities in my relationship with God, but one of my favorites is how well He knows me. And one of the things He knows is that I tend to be more than a little dense when learning life lessons. But when I write, He's able to get right inside all of my thoughts and feelings, and without me even realizing it, he works out all of those knots on the paper. Sometimes (rarely) I notice it as I write. But usually, it's like this. When much later, I look at those words and those characters and those stories, and I recognize the hand of the greatest Author- not just in the pages, but in my life.
So while I'd love to take full credit for this book and the incredible chaos that is Bonnie, I thank God for His gift of Bonnie and her story. And, I thank God for the little bit of Bonnie that He planted in me.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17 (NIV)