Grieving (Mirror book study post 3)

​Well, we’ve reached the part of this whole learning journey that proved to be the most painful and difficult (clearly a suuuper fun blog post… there’s a hopeful note to this though, so just stick with me). We’ve dissected the lessons of waiting well and trusting on the true Author of our life stories. I had come to a place where, while it wasn’t easy, the waiting was bearable. Reina, of course, was in the same position. Surely, after we had learned our lessons and waited so patiently, we would receive the answers we wanted and enter into a much easier period of life, right? Right??
Wrong. We got our answers. Just not the ones we wanted. And so, it was time to learn about trust in the midst of heartbreak.

​The good news was that the foundation for facing this new challenge was already established. If you remember, we determined that my deliberation over trusting God came down to two key reasons: He has proven to be trustworthy because of His great capabilities, and I can be confident in trusting Him because of His unfathomable love. As difficult as it was to see in the moment, receiving an answer that was pretty much the opposite of what I wanted did not change either of those things.
Reina’s answer from Adonia, which I will not reveal in this blog post (go read the book!), was something that had lingered in the back of her mind throughout her journey. A thought she had pushed aside because she could not imagine what could actually bring her to that point. And then, in an instant, her path is crystal clear, and she has to confront the reality of moving forward on a road that will break her heart. And she cries.
My answer was to stay in a place that seemed to grow more painful and frustrating by the day instead of pursuing an option that had been my dream for years. It had seemed like I was so close to finally reaching the reality that would be freeing and exciting and exactly the kind of fulfilling adventure that I wanted. And I had prayed and waited and tried my best to be open to all the good lessons I was sure God wanted to teach me. But then I sat there, forcing myself to be still and seek God’s leading, and when I asked Him if I could leave my current situation to pursue this incredible dream opportunity… the answer was a very clear no. And I cried.
But (here’s that hopeful note I promised earlier), God does not abandon us in our grief. He didn’t abandon me when I had some choice words for Him after receiving that less than favorable answer (even though I will admit that I really had no right to say most of the stuff I said to Him in those prayers). It’s a beautiful thing that He is more than capable of handling the aftermath of us receiving the answer we didn’t want– all of the mess, anger, devastation, and tears.
I find that the Psalms hold a lot of encouraging verses for this line of thinking (and by “line of thinking” I mean engaging in a full meltdown while praying). Psalm 56:8 says, “You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?” (ESV). We are reminded that, “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18, ESV) and, “When the cares of my heart are many, [His] consolations cheer my soul” (Psalm 94:19, ESV).
The key here is that I wasn’t supposed to “trust” God by ignoring the pain of this decision and His answer. Nor was I supposed to bury that and be dishonest in hopes of seeming like the perfect, pious Christian who never struggles to follow God’s leading. That’s not the point. The point is to walk with Christ through all moments of life. God knew His answer hurt me. He also knew exactly why His answer was best. And He knew that what He has in store for me is more valuable than anything I could imagine. Just as I trusted Him in the waiting, I can trust Him in my grief. Because, as we can say throughout all of eternity, He is always good.